On Not Getting What I Wanted for Mother's Day

A couple weeks ago, one of the blogs I read asked moms to leave a comment about what they'd like for Mother's Day. As I read through the responses most wanted time with their family, a morning to sleep in, a clean house or a combination of all three. I'll admit, my first thought was, "To have clean drip pans on the stove."

The more responses I read though, the more I realized that everyday is like Mother's Day at our house. David knows there are a number of household chores that I find physically painful and is always careful to make sure they're done frequently. He mows our grass, takes out the trash, mops the floors, and scrubs the tubs. We share the responsibilities of loading the dishwasher and vacuuming about 50-50, mostly because he's awesome not because I find those 2 things physically difficult. He also completely takes over Caleb's care from the time he gets home until Caleb goes to bed at night.

Somehow, despite all the responsibility David takes on, he still calls me "the glue that holds our family together." Even though there is so much I can not do, he values me. He treasures the intangible contributions I make to our family and considers that tangible ones a bonus.

What I ended up realizing I really wanted for Mother's Day was to be physically able to be the Mom I want to be. I'd love to clean the house from top to bottom for once and let Caleb wrestle me to the ground and crawl all over me while David rests on the couch.

Instead, I was presented with three beautiful watercolor prints I had admired, told how beautiful David finds me and what a great mom I am, and got big snuggles from my two favorite boys this morning. My heart longs for more self-sufficiency and productivity, but instead I get to experience grace. Thank you, to my wonderful husband, for being the hands and feet of Jesus in my life. I love you.

Mother's Day 2012

On Giving Thanks

Did you guys see all the "Thankful November" status updates on facebook? I loved reading them. One, however, made my stomach sink a little every time I read it.

I'm thankful for my health

Over the past few months, my doctors have been able to rule out just about everything that could possibly be giving me the horrible pelvic and abdominal pain I've been in for almost 2 years. Which has left us with the dual diagnosis of Fibromyalgia and Chronic Accute Myofacial Pain Syndrome.

Unpacked, those terms basically mean that I have a hypersensitized central nervous system that causes me to feel pain from everyday stimuli. My husbands hug and my son's snuggle bring me both joy and pain. The fibro is an all over ache that you can find quite easily by gently squeezing any of my muscles. The myofascial pain manifests itself in knots of hyper-tender points throughout my abdomen that cause me constant pain (and are what sent me to the doctor in the first place).

Myofascial pain syndrome isn't recognized by a lot of doctors. In fact, I probably would have said it sounded like a fake disease myself, until I became the one whose life was being turned upside down by it and no other plausible explanation can be found. The great news is, it's not fatal and there is a wonderful pain clinic in DC where I'm receiving treatment under a neurologist and physical therapist for a disease most doctors don't even know about.

Coming to grips with this diagnosis has been my battle these past few months. At first I went back and forth between self pity and rationalizing why "it's not so bad". I struggled with seeing so many healthy 25 year old friends of mine who don't spend 1 day every 2 weeks getting poked with needles to help tense muscles release. However, I also have a 25 year old friend who has battled leukemia for several years and recently had to have both hips replaced because of a side effect from her treatment. Who am I to complain? I am thankful for my health.

Slowly, God convicted me that playing the "who has it worse/better than me" game is asking the wrong question. The answer is always "yes, someone does have life harder/easier than I do." The question God wants me to be concerned with is, "Am I willing to glorify and praise him in the circumstances I've been given?" Or, will I waste my life waiting for the way I thought he was going to use me to take place?

Life is not how we imagined it would be before we said "I do". After a day of running after our very active toddler, I struggle against crabbiness in the evenings. David does quite a bit of the housework in addition to being the bread winner. Sometimes I have to go lie down for an hour or two the pain gets so bad. Our house is often messy. Not just a little bit. We definitely never thought we'd be delaying having a second child or wondering if I'd ever be physically able to carry another. We don't answer phone calls, have people over for dinner or keep in touch with family as well as we should because we are so exhausted from trying to cope with the pain and it's effects on our family.

Watching our dreams being deferred month after month has been painful. Slowly though, we are learning to trust that God is offering us something better.

The catalyst for beginning to understand this was a sermon our friend, and church elder, preached about the Israelites coming out of Egypt. Apparently there were two roads to the promised land (check out Exodus 13:17-14:4). A nice, short, easy one and the way God actually took them, through a barren desert. Had they been given the choice, I'm sure the Israelites would have picked the short road. Wasn't God's plan for them the promised land? He'd said it himself.

However, although God had taken the Israelites out of Egypt, he still needed to take the love of Egypt out of their hearts so that they wouldn't be led astray once they reached their destination. Before marriage we had our eyes on the promised land of a large family and thriving marriage. We've found ourselves in the desert. And it's taken me about a year to realize it's not a mistake or a detour.

We're here because of the things we can only learn when all of our dreams seem to be crashing down around us. We're learning to love one another, not because it's easy, but because it's what we've been called to. I'm no longer the bouncy, joyful wife David used to come home to. Even when I'm able to avoid outright crankiness and harsh words, I tend to be more subdued. It hasn't stopped him from being the most amazing husband and father I could ever imagine. It's made me love him even more for all the responsibilities he has so willingly taken on. I'm learning to parent, not in my own strength and wisdom, but on my knees, because I know I am unable to meet my son's needs on my own. We're both learning to trust God to write our future, rather than dictate our dreams to him.

I am thankful. Not just for the level of health I do experience, but for this refining fire that has come into our lives and shaped us in ways we could never have imagined when our eyes were looking at the promised land. We are in the desert and our eyes are on God.

On Living with Pain

Next week, assuming nothing changes, I will have been in pain for one consecutive year. I can remember the day it began vividly. David and I were in Baltimore for his work. I was 8 months pregnant. I woke up one morning, the first week of May, looked at him and said, "I think the baby bruised me last night" as I pointed to a spot about an inch below my sternum, slightly to the right. I've been able to point to that exact spot every day since because it still hurts.

The first few weeks I didn't think much of it. Then as my blood pressure began creeping up in the late weeks of pregnancy I began worrying about liver problems. A quick check at the OB confirmed all was well in that regard. It was probably just the baby snuggling under my rib cage.

I didn't realize at the time that most women don't find it hard to stand longer than 30 minutes at a time because of "baby in rib cage" and worried no more. I honestly thought I was just being over sensitive to the pain, tried to ignore at as best I could and spent much time in the recliner, the only place I found relief.

The pain did ease up after delivery. I no longer have problems standing, but it's there. Usually hovering just below the surface, surprising me with knife like intensity when I use to many muscles in gardening or Caleb gives a well placed kick. I've had two ultrasounds, one CT scan and tons of blood work. It all says I'm fine, but the pain persists.

I'm not a stranger to pain. I had an incredibly painful surgery (as in, they give you an epidural for pain relief afterward) my last year of highschool that left me in on/off chronic pain for 4 years. Then, the rod was removed and things got better quickly. This is however, the first time I've not known the cause of my pain.

Four years is a long time to be in pain, but not knowing what the cause is or when/if it will end is harder. There are days the discouragement brings me to tears, but as with all trials, I've found it's gradually refining me, like pressure turns coal into diamond.

I so often find myself returning to 2 Corinthians 12:7-8 for comfort. Are these verses about healing? Nope. They're about how God sends Paul a thorn for his flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment him so that he does not become conceited. Paul prays 3 times for it to be removed. God says no.

God would rather allow Paul to live with this problem than for him to get swallowed up by sin. I know some may find that idea offensive, but I find it so comforting! I would so much rather have trouble and be brought close to God, than to have all happiness and forsake him. Not that the two have to be mutually exclusive, but my sweetest times with the Lord have all come during difficulty.

I am learning to take refuge in the fact that God is both sovereign and good. I can trust that there is nothing I need that he does not supply and that I need nothing which he withholds, even healing.

It's been hard for me to reconcile at times that this isn't a detour of His plan for me. It's happening so it is part of his plan. This is especially hard when I weigh my desire to have a larger family against my desire to not be on what is effectively modified bed rest and incredible pain in the final months of pregnancy.

I don't know where this twist in what I thought was the path will lead us. Will we only have a few children? Will we adopt? These are questions my mind asks when it is anxious, but rather than attempting to predict what will happen I try to simply pray that God will make the way clear to us when the time comes. Often I want him to illuminate the whole path when he wants me to walk in faith to the next lighted step.

I share this for two reasons. One, I hope it will be an encouragement to my friends who also have chronic pain that you have more company (and I admire you so much!) and two, that you who pray would be interceding on my behalf to trust, be patient and if it's God's will, to be healed. Whatever testimony God has for my life, whether it's joy in healing or trust through pain, I am willing.

Caleb: 12 Weeks

This week was like A Tale of Two Cities: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. The best of times part is that Caleb gets to be more and more fun each week. He is really getting good at getting his hands into his mouth and it is the cutest thing ever! He also enjoys sitting propped up on the couch (as you can see from the pics), and he is getting better at going down for bed at night with much less help from us.

The worst of times part...We found out Caleb most likely has a dairy allergy when he passed some blood in his stool. It would also explain some of the fussiness. So after a fun farewell-to-dairy dinner at chick-fil-a, I am now a dairy free mommy. So far it has been a little inconvenient, but not too bad. I have a feeling I will be really sad around the holidays though! No huge changes in Caleb, but no more blood either, so we shall see.

The other not-so-good news is that my doctor found a small 1cm lump where I've been having pain in my abdomen for the last 5 months. CT scan on Thurs should tell us more. Fortunately, it looks like I have enough pumped milk in the freezer to last Caleb the whole 24 hours I need to pump and dump to get the contrast out of my system.

So that is where we are at right now. David has taken some extra days off at the end of this week and we've committed to minimal housework, no visitors and lots and lots of bonding as just the 3 of us. I'm really looking forward to it, it's been a busy time.


***Update: CT scan found nothing, apparently I'm just lumpy. Unfortunately, as of 11/4, I'm still having pain, so prayers are appreciated.